Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
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I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
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Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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