I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
