I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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