I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
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