cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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