I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
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