Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
