Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
