4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
