I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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