If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
