I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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