I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
