The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
