I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
i think i just lost a toe
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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