There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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