Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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