I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
