do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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