Ketchup is God's man juice
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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