I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize
