I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
