Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
