I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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