I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
