Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
