You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
