i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
