That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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