So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
