Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Randomize
