I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
