My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize