so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
