Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
