my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
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Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
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He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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