So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
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