dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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