Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
