I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
