im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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