This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
