The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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