My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
