My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
