just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
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