Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
