the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
