He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
