Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Randomize
