shes about as inviting as chlamydia
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
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I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
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I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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